I've been robbed...

By a little old lady on a motorised cart....
- Dumb & Dumber....

But no. My house was actually robbed. and amongst other things my laptop was thieved.

So posting is hard. and few and far between.

Sorry.

How rubbish xx

I really am pretty lame at keeping up aren't I...

Day 22... (late)... What makes you different to everybody else?

I was actually going to do this on the date it was due and I was sat at my laptop at the boy's house whilst he played on his PS3...

I actually said to him... what do you think makes me different to everybody else... and he just sat there and said he couldn't think of anything. So I thought "oh".

Is it wrong to be disappointed (if not a little upset) by that??

I tried to think myself though and I didn't know either. I have always thought I was but I can't tell you why? I suppose if there is someone else out there that goes hyper after dinner on a Sunday... please let me know... once I just lay on the kitchen floor laughing like an idiot. Once I had been out for lunch with the girls and I was lying in the back of the car on the way home with my legs out of the window... yelling at passing cars and pedestrians... that kind of thing.

I also sometimes go a bit mad at home... you know like forward rolls from my bedroom to the bathroom. Mad dancing. Silly voices. That kind of thing.

Maybe I have lost all that? I want to be silly and fun still? Maybe he thinks I am boring.



Maybe I am....

This Weekend...

Was lovely...

From Thursday onwards...

Thursday I had half day so went to meet the boy for lunch. Nandos... And this time I had quarter chicken with mashed potato and macho peas (which, for those that don't know, are peas mixed with some mashed up peas with like chili and stuff all up in there... they do have quite a kick... but are LUSH)

Then we went shopping for birthday fancy dress outfits and birthday prezzies as it was Picto and Darrans birthday. I got tired of shopping before he did and begged to go to the pub... I think he was secretly uber glad...

Went to the pub, met Picto and John had some laughs and then walked back to the boys house where he tried on his outfit... Fancy dress for Pictos birthday was computer game characters... he was Guybrush Threepwood from Monkey Island and he looked HOT. I don't know what it was about that costume... but I was smitten hahah.

Then randomly went to Nottingham where the boys all played football.

Friday Darrans birthday. Was cool because we all went to his and his Xbox is now fixed! YAY!! So we played rockband and some tony hawks skate game where you actually stand on a skateboard... I felt like a dick because I have no balance but I did better than a dead cow. Which is something to be proud of surely? But then again, I have never seen a dead cow play tony hawks skate game haha.

Gave him a tonne of boardgames for his birthday. All from charity shops like but awesome. The boy also got him the neighbours boardgame which we found. Darran had apparently played this before when he was a kid and was already a fan so that was good.

Then Saturday came and I was hungover and still had to make a costume to make me look like a convincing Chun-Li from Streetfighter. I was in no way in the mood. I went to the boys house to get ready in the afternoon and just sat down and cried, partly because I was hungover and pathetic partly because in my rush to bring all my things over I forgot the essential safety pins I was gonna pin my costume together with because I couldn't be arsed to sew it.

The boy was mostly awesome and amazing and gave me lots of cuddles. Disappeared and brought me up diet coke and chocolate biscuits and I thought nothing could get better... Then he put his costume on and that was that.

The evening was fun. Apparently people knew who I was. Some lad came over to me in Mosh and said...
Him: Are you dressed as Chun-Li?
Me: Yes
Him: Let me see your thighs.
Me: *shocked face*

This boy looked about 15. I am 27. Really. Hahaha. Secretly thought it was a bit cool. hahah.

Lar dressed as a lemming. She looked so cool with green hair it was so funny.


Then went home, put candles on and cuddled the boy loads... candles and drunk people shouldn't be allowed haha.

Sunday was lazy. I felt like shit and just chilled on the boys sofa til late.

But then I went home.

I said to Lar... I felt like I had been on holiday, it was that nice a weekend with the boy, and that I dreaded Monday because everything would go back to normal. I wouldn't see him. He wouldn't text. And if he did he would be cold and mean. I hoped hoped hoped that wouldn't happen. In the bottom of my heart I always have hope that he will continue to be the awesome person I know he is... but he didn't.

uh.

Depressed.

But I suppose if anything makes me feel not like throwing myself off a cliff its this...

but.

He does look sad like me.

How's Everybodies Week Going So Far....

Its thursday which basically means its the weekend because Friday's dont count... even though they are my busy day... but still.

I am so bored. Literally so bored I could die. And I am totally on edge because I have to have a talk with the boy tonight. So whatever I do have to do, work-wise, I dont want to do because its boring today and not keeping my mind busy.

Uh I hate feeling like this. But things like this have been going on for ages and I suppose it cant go on forever. Its either gonna hurt like hell now or hurt like hell in the future. So maybe... like a plaster I should rip it off now?

Hmmmm.

I dont want to. I wish he'd just accept me for who I am and love me loads and be happy and laugh with me. Not be afraid of what other people will think or how things will end up.

It makes me a wee bit paranoid. I fear hes embarrassed. He says hes not but when he freaks out about everything I dont see what else it can be.

Its making me feel like shit and become a paranoid mess, and I dont like it. So I guess I am trying to save myself?

Is anyone out there....?

England (well Leicester...) is killing me.

How many readers do I have??? 75? If everyone put £10 into a charity pot for me... I may well be able to take a trip somewhere or at least buy myself something pretty. I am so down and feel like I cannot get out of this hole. I just want to be away. AWAY I TELLS YA.

How many people read this? I'm sorry if you are one of the unfortunate that do. I used to be funny. Now look at me ahahah.

Help. Help. Help.

HELP.

Middle of the Night...

... Wishing life was like TV...

A really lovely clip from Scrubs...

Scrubs gets me... Because its funny and also sad and sometimes really moving.

I live in a bit of a fairytale land...

I wish I could make things so... Like JD says... The future can be anything you want it to be.

That clip basically is what I want to happen. Maybe not now. But thats it. Is that sad? I feel a bit silly saying it. But I guess there comes a point. Maybe thats why I have been so upset. Because thats what I want... with him.

M.I.A

Yep that's me. Sorry.

I'm down and would rather not discuss it and bring all of yous down so as usual I will keep it to myself.

Someone please buy some cupcakes. I am so poor. I mean so poor I raided my piggy bank and bought a can of diet coke with my last 50p made up of 5p's. All that's left is coppers now. And not even much of that.

I am offering WORLD CUP cupcakes now. 6 for £10. Choose your cupcake and then I will ice the flags of any country you want on top. You know it makes sense...

If you don't buy them you know all I am gonna do is sit at home and cry. My head hurts from all the crying. It'll be all your fault if my head explodes. You hear?!

I am the girl that eats her feelings.

I am a fat mess.

Goodnight. x

Kirstie Lois Holmes

10th Dec 1982 - 6th June 2008

"I thought if I was very quiet, I would hear you. If I was still enough, you might come back"

Soup...

...Without bread is like a world without sunshine.

Think of me when you have a glorious lunch.

As this is what I will be eating for the foreseeable future.

Much Love,
An extremely poor and horrendously fat Bitsy xx

Doorstep Cry

Ugh. Had a row with the boy. Only because I am down and wanted attention. Nothing more. And it seems the slightest thing will set me off.

He went home to bed. I sat on the step and sobbed.

Remember before when I said I sobbed so hard my chest hurt. Yeah. It was that again. Nice.

Need to cheer the fuck up.

Brighter note... Alan wants 40 cakes for his birthday. I have no idea who he will be giving these to. An order is an order and I REALLY need the cash.


Check this out... I love this song more than words can say

Its probably not want you want to listen to when you're a bit sad, but it has nice memories for me.

First heard it on Katy's Ipod when we were on holiday in LA and this, Wish you Were here by Incubus (Oh Brandon you beautiful beautiful man) and 99 Red Balloons by Goldfinger were our LA songs.

Sad today....

I have had a bobbins day.

Someone died. And I cried. I cried for him. I cried for his girlfriend. I cried for his family. I cried for his friends. I cried for my memories. I cried for the people that should be here and aren't.

Its hard to put into words because I wasnt close to this boy. But as soon as I heard it was like I was catapulted back to the day I heard about Burt. Just when you learn to push things to the back of your mind and get on.

I wandered about the building at work. In another world really and I had a sob in the garden. I just felt lonely. In total honesty I just wanted the boy or my ma or something. Someone that made me comfortable and safe. To just be there. But noone was so I carried on. As usual. Same old same old. Gulping back tears. Hardcore Bitsy. Thats me.

Later on. Missy at work brought me up a cupcake. First time I'd smiled all day.

Also N-Dubz were signing things at WH Smith on Fosse Park. This is not far from work. But I don't have a car here. So its just that bit too far. So I missed them. Cheers N-Dubz. I am gonna write to you to let you know you could have cheered up my day but you didnt. Just so you know.

Mood...

Well. I went to sleep upset last night as the boy was being a dick cuz United got knocked out of the Champions League. Well. I am sorry Boy. Didnt know I was supposed to take the brunt of your mardiness. Don't take your shit out on me thanks.

So due to that I woke up a bit meh. Not depressed just mildly annoyed at how he can go from making me feel so lovely to making me feel a bit bobbins.

But I took cakes to work today for some people because they worked hard for me. And everyone has just been so lovely and smiley and nice. It has been a breath of fresh air.

I think if everyone wasnt so lovely today I may well have sat and cried but I didnt.

It may well be because I am crafty and I am bribing them with cake. It may well be because the sun is out. It could also be that they genuinely think I am a nice girl.

I'm sticking with the last one. So I'd just like to send a big hug out to all my girls and boys at work who genuinely made my day today.

Ta.

I am a dog in a costume and I am not amused

Is it wrong...

...That I have spent a fair bit of the day writing a letter to Robbie Keane and decorating the envelope? There is a reason for my madness... If I get a response I will say. If I don't I will lock that up in the cupboard of embarrassing things I have done in my time and say nothing.

I'm tired and mardy today. Argument at 3am. Sat on my step and cried so hard I got cramp under my ribs. That's never happened before. Must be the Bikram Yoga ughh.

Cried myself to sleep and felt like crying the moment I woke up. Disgraceful.

This blog is turning into a whole lot of anything. I am sorry. Variety is the spice of life yeah?

I HATE LENT.

Had some of these earlier to make me feel better....

They're ok yeah but NO. They didnt cut it. Feel miserable... STILL.

I think I am the last person actually taking this lent seriously. Yeah thats a dig at the boy. He's rubbish at lent.

All I wanna do is go to wherever THIS man is just sit down and make him make me all his chocolatey recipes and just bask in chocolatey goodness and then die. Of a big fat chocolate induced heart attack.

Oh Bitsssssy. Cheer the FUCK up.

OK. As a method of cheer up-ness....

Check out

Em Cartoons

I love them. They remind me so much of me and Lar....

Hope your Wednesday is going better than mine xx

Time for Positive Thinking????

I'm not trying to bring everybody down. I am a really bubbly person and it takes something out of the ordinary to knock me down, so please bear with me while I get a grip!! Feel free to leave kind words of encouragement/wisdom/funniness etc.

But just so you know I am trying...

I went and had a read of this beautiful lady's blog earlier and her latest post grabbed my attention and made me feel a bit better. Her blog is so lovely and nice and always gets me thinking.... Thanks for that...

Aubrey's Lovely Blog

I need help...

I need help.

I feel so very very down at the moment. I just feel like I am swimming against the tide. Things are not peachy with the boy and I don't think they ever will be.

Oh dear...

The boy brought round chocolate and diet coke. I think I love him.

He wins me over with a smile. Rubbish. I have a feeling this is going to end terribly hahah. Need to make more cakes.

GET A GRIP BITSY

Bitsy is...

Sad.

I might rename blog.... Bitsys Depressioney.

Thats not even a real word. But then I dont think Cupcakery is.

Bitsy has....

fucked up. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I'm listening to Lost by Katy Perry and that is how I feel. Already.

Mehhhh

I am wondering what to do with my life. The boy is doing my head in. He's just too lush. I have been drunk for two days trying to figure out what to do. But I have mostly just been drunk and then forgetting anything I have thought. I spring cleaned the bottom floor of the house, its only a regular house, i make out it has many floors. It does not. It has the normal two floors, and whilst doing that I was thinking about things and decided I need to put my foot down and just stop doing whatever he asks me to do. I wonder really if he really even cares at all and he probably doesnt. Which is a bit depressing. But we must face facts and MAN UP.

I was thinking all of this and then was like yes I will have words and blah blah. Turns out I'm at his now and I have been out and brought him a subway. HAHAHAH. pathetic.

Bitsy Argued...

...with the boy. Last thing at night. Couldnt sleep. In a mood. Feel like mong.